


Constant Star

by mrsjingujiii



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Domestic Fluff, F/M, Haikyuu smut, Haikyuu x Reader, Hurt/Comfort, Kuroo Tetsurou Smut, Kuroo angst, Kuroo fluff, Slow Burn, Unrequited Love, haikyuu angst, haikyuu fluff, kuroo smut, kuroo tetsurou angst, kuroo tetsurou fluff, kuroo tetsurou x reader - Freeform, kuroo x reader - Freeform, parenting AU, soft smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-17
Updated: 2020-11-17
Packaged: 2021-03-09 21:14:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,204
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27602624
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mrsjingujiii/pseuds/mrsjingujiii
Summary: "It’d be impossible to keep track of the infinity."A story about a love everlasting, like the ceaseless sparkle of the stars in the night sky. A story about life, in which Kuroo Tetsurou is the only constant you always come running back to.
Relationships: Kuroo Tetsurou/Reader
Comments: 5
Kudos: 140





	Constant Star

**Author's Note:**

> Happiest 26th birthday, Tetsurou. I love you!
> 
> If you'd like to see the artwork that comes with this, follow me on tumblr @mrs-kuroojinguji <3

Describe yourself in one adjective. 

You remember the icebreaker game that you must do at the beginning of every school year. You never understood why it would take so long for your classmates to answer that simple, straightforward question, considering that you could do it in less than five seconds with no hesitation. 

Indecisive. 

That would be you describing yourself in one word. You don’t know if you prefer tea or coffee, nor do you know if you prefer sweet or savoury. You cannot choose which genre of music is your favourite (even when your options are between classical or rap) and you can spend forever going through the TV channels to decide what to watch. You don’t know which season is your favourite, nor do you know if you prefer wet and cold to dry and hot. 

Although in life, you realise, you’ve always been certain about one thing and one thing only. 

Kuroo Tetsurou. 

•❅──────✧❅✦❅✧──────❅• 

Your first meeting with Tetsurou was under the grey clouds of a particularly cold morning. The grey asphalt outside had darkened in colour, it’s surface already wet from the continuous drizzle of rain that you had weirdly found interesting as a toddler. There was something amusing about the gentle patter of the rain against the window, or the way the leaves outside bounced when a droplet of water touched its surface. And despite wearing only a singlet and a pair of pants that were far too short to even be called pants, you opened the front door and you walked outside, giggling whenever droplets of water hit your head and not realising that you were slowly starting to stray away from home. But at that very moment you didn’t care about anything else other than the cold wind hitting your face, stepping into puddles and staining your toes with mud, or watching with water dripping down your face as fire ants bustle up to get to higher ground as rainwater drenched their nest. 

Only when you felt your teeth clattering did you realise that your house was no longer in view and that you were the only one standing in the park under the pouring rain. When you looked around to see no one was when you felt the goosebumps all over your skin as your body quivered in the freezing weather. At the age of three was when you first felt fear, the panic that rose from inside of you upon realising that nobody was with you, the tears spilled from the loneliness that was slowly consuming you. You crouched down to the ground amongst the bushes with your hair now drenched and your outfit soaked, waiting for someone to come to your rescue because that was all you were capable of doing. 

“Are you lost?” 

You looked up to see a boy not much older than you were, the hood of his jacket shielding his messy hair from the rain as he searches for something in his backpack. Beads of water had formed a pool and made a splashing sound to the ground when he removed his hood, and (not understanding the concept of waterproof material yet) you were wondering why your shirt was soaking wet when his wasn’t. 

“Let’s go,” he shielded your head with his umbrella, and you looked up while clutching your knees tightly to your chest as a futile attempt to warm yourself up. “Don’t talk to strangers,” you remembered your mother’s exact words, but there was something about the whirlwind of his hazel eyes that managed to convince you to trust him, to let him wrap his jacket around your shoulders, and to let him pull you up and take your hand in his. And as the unnamed boy clutched your hand tightly while matching your little steps, you felt the warmth from the palm of his hand radiating throughout your body, and you wondered silently why he had given you his jacket if his voice would quake from the freezing weather. You wondered why his hair looked so messy, wondering if he forgot to comb it this morning after shower. And you wondered why your mother had forbidden you from talking to strangers if they would treat you as good as she cared for you. 

“This is your house, right?” the older boy asked you while still holding your hand. You heard your mother screaming your name, running towards you and hugging you close into her chest with tears streaming down her face. But you didn’t let go of his hand. Your small hand did its best to grip his tightly as you kept your eyes on his face, watching the knowing smile he was giving you with a hint of sadness and loneliness in his eyes. 

“Thank you for bringing her home, Tetsurou.” 

Tetsurou became a significant part of your life ever since that one rainy morning. Your heart would always jump in joy whenever you saw his head peering from outside the window and your eyes would turn into hearts while watching him walk into your house from your highchair. You got attached to him rather quickly, just like moths to lights, and ants to sugar. Your toys were his toys, and his toys were yours, and playing together until you were both drenched in sweat became a part of your daily routine. Tetsurou was there on your happy days, and he was also there on your rough ones, like that one time you tripped over your own foot and fell face first onto the floor. You remembered his heavy steps and his heavy breathing as he picked you up from the ground, whispering words of praises to you while blowing the huge lump on your forehead. You let your tears stain his bright yellow t-shirt as he applied a rather cold cream on your forehead, and you clung onto him as if your life depended on him. 

“Do you love Tetsurou that much?” your mother asked after you rejected her hand, choosing to snuggle closer into his chest instead. And with a pout on your face you repeatedly nodded, whispering a soft ‘I do’ while keeping your eyes on the ground. 

The laughter that left his lips right after was soothing, replacing the frown on your face with a bright smile despite the evident stain of tears flowing down your cheeks and a big red lump that would occasionally throb on your forehead. 

You were four, and Tetsurou was seven. “I love you too,” he said while rocking you gently in his lap. 

You were both too young to understand what love really is, but the warmth you felt every time he held you close was undeniable, and the smile he had on his face whenever he looked at you was beyond doubt. 

You were four and Tetsurou was seven when he said his first ‘I love you’ to you. 

•❅──────✧❅✦❅✧──────❅• 

Time flies when you’re having fun. Your understanding towards this proverb came in baby steps, slowly and gradually as you spent more and more time with the raven-haired boy. One morning you were cycling along the river and stopping to buy that 100-yen white taiyaki you both loved so much. But with just a blink of your eyes, the next morning you were standing next to each other, you in your fresh middle school uniform and Tetsurou in his high school one. One afternoon you were both lying down on the mattress in his bedroom, bickering about who got to turn the next page while reading through the Jump magazine you bought in the local convenience store. Another blink of your eyes, and the next afternoon you found yourself lazing around in his room while watching as he twirled a pencil around his fingers, his gaze focused on the papers sprawled on the table. 

“You’ve been going on for more than four hours, Tetsu, maybe rest for a bit?” It had been long since you lost your focus, your homework neglected on the other side of the table and the pages improperly stacked. Tetsurou had always been the diligent one amongst the both of you, you thought silently while listening to the creaking of his chair every time he shifted his body. A student in the advanced class, consistent academic achievement, and to top everything off, the captain of the volleyball team. You had always looked at Tetsurou as your role model, as someone you looked up to, someone you aspired to be. 

But the reality was that you had a brain that was not as intelligent as his and a rather short span of focus lasting no more than two hours. Tetsurou, on the other hand, could go on all night if he wasn’t stopped, hence why you considered it as a big win when he dropped his pencil down and spun his chair around to face you. Despite the short arrow of the clock pointing towards the number ten, there was no hint of exhaustion on Tetsurou’s face. The apples of his cheeks were rosy, perhaps from the cold breeze drifting through the window that he had left ajar earlier. A towel was hung loosely around his neck and you found yourself staring as he ran his fingers through his messy and slightly damp hair, a blush of pink creeping up your cheeks when you saw the flex of his biceps. You had been trying to live in denial for as long as you could remember, convincing yourself that he was still the same Tetsurou from ten years ago, the same boy who used to jump into the bath with you, the boy who used to sleep under the same blanket as you for your weekend sleepovers. But your actions contradicted your resolve when your eyes fluttered back and forth while internally admiring the broadness of his chiseled chest, and up and down while trying to remember since when he had gotten so tall. 

It was immensely difficult for you to admit, but it was an indisputable fact that Tetsurou had grown up into an attractive, handsome man that – for some reasons that you had yet to figure out – made you blush and look away when his hazel eyes met yours. 

“Or you just want me to stop studying because you’re hungry.” You sighed, slumping your shoulder in defeat as he chuckled and turned off the study lamp. Tetsurou could read you like an open book, knowing every nook and cranny of your behaviour from the biggest to the smallest. “Ramen or soba tonight?” You smirked as you stood up, stomach grumbling only from thinking about having a bowl of warm noodle soup in a winter night. You remembered how exactly this 10pm noodle run began. At 10pm every Thursday to be exact, and it all started in Tetsurou’s first year of high school when he took you on an evening night out with the Nekoma volleyball team. “She’s the princess next door,” that was how Tetsurou nonchalantly introduced you to his teammates, and you remembered slapping his arm while complaining underneath your breath about the embarrassing nickname he gave you. 

“How’s school lately? You haven’t been telling me.” Tetsurou’s voice snapped you out of your trance as you blinked your eyes to take in your surroundings. Despite wearing three layers of clothing, the unforgiving coldness of the January air hit your skin and created an unpleasant dryness that made you wince every time your hand scraped against the zipper of your coat. You knew the temperature was in the negative zone when you felt your bones stabbed to the core, the frosty weather making your body shiver and your teeth chattering uncontrollably. Tetsurou, on the other hand, was walking calmly beside you, hands deep into the pockets of his trousers with only a hoodie topped with his Nekoma team jacket over it. And that was when you realised that you had one question that had been lingering in the back of your mind for quite a long time. 

“Don’t you boys get cold?” Your voice came out extremely shaky and you hissed when a cold wind hit your face, squinting your eyes closed (while hoping that the tighter you shut them closed, the warmer you’d get). Tetsurou sighed, zipping down his jacket and slinging the material over you in one quick motion. His hand was unmoving on your shoulders, the warmth of his palm radiating throughout your body and providing you with more heat than your three layers of outfit ever could. Your lips were immediately tugged up into a smile at the nostalgic feeling in your heart. 

“I guess not,” you responded to your own question with a smile, drawing a chuckle from Tetsurou as his breath came out as puffs of white steam. 

“School…oh, I nailed my latest Chemistry test, have I told you that?” you said, deciding to break the silence that had been lingering in the air for the past five minutes. Not that you ever felt uncomfortable, because silence with Tetsurou was always about that sense of comfort in the air when no words were shared between the two of you. Listening to the soles of his shoes lightly tapping against the concrete underneath, the steadiness of his breathing as your footsteps shared the same tempo, your shoulders brushing against each other every now and then. Silence, with Tetsurou, was cozy and pleasant. 

“Of course you would, kitten.” Ah, there it was, the other pet name that made your heart beat twice as fast. Tetsurou replied with a soft chuckle and a pat on your head, ruffling your hair to make it as messy as his. “I guess you owe your teacher a bowl of ramen?” 

The ramen bar was surprisingly busy, men in business wear gobbling up their bowls of noodle after a long day of work. But despite how crowded the little shop was, Tetsurou’s favourite spot was always left vacant by the kind owner. The table on at the frontmost of the shop, just next to the sliding door of the entrance and by the window. 

“Here? Again? What’s with you and this table?” you asked him for the umpteenth time with a small grin on your face. Tetsurou would always give you that concise answer that had never made sense to you, and this time was no exception. 

“I told you that I like people studying.” You would always let this answer slide, and this time was no exception as your mind got distracted when two large bowls of ramen were brought to your table. 

It wasn’t entirely a lie, Tetsurou tried to justify himself while watching you hum in satisfaction when the savoury smell invaded your senses. Watching you exclaiming in glee when you managed to break the chopsticks evenly in the middle and poking your tongue out at him when he couldn’t do the same. “That’s a 102-97 for me,” you retorted with a triumphant grin on your face. 

Tetsurou didn’t exactly know when this childish game of yours started, nor did he know how you could blurt out the score you had been keeping in track of so easily. “Since when did I lose five points?” he asked you, finding this competitive side of you (he wished you were this competitive towards your studies) so adorable that he decided to play along. But his questions drifted out your ears as you took your first bite, far too engrossed into finishing the bowl of ramen in front of you. 

Flickering his eyes to the glass window next to you, Tetsurou watched as you bounced lightly on your seat with a big, goofy grin on your face. A soft (and perhaps idiotic, he thought to himself) smile surfaced his face while absentmindedly stirring his bowl of noodle, his attention focused on your reflection and watching as you leaned down to take another slurp of your noodles. 

Tetsurou convinced himself that ‘people studying’ wasn’t entirely a lie. Studying the apples of your cheeks as they turned bright red, your smooth, silky hair falling flawlessly to your mid back, and fixating his gaze on the small smile on your lips. You had applied a lipstick on, he noticed while flickering his eyes from the window to your face in front of him to validate his sight. The slight shimmer that coated your lips was noticeable to his eyes, and he wondered since when had you been subtly showing off this feminine side of yourself? Since when had you had that mischievous gleam in your eyes? That certain sparkle that always swept him off his feet whenever he looked at you? 

Since when had he been so in love with you? 

“Are you okay?” your voice brought him back to reality, only realising just how long he had been deep in his thoughts when the ramen in his bowl had expanded twice its original size. “Would you like to switch?” you asked, reaching out your hand to replace his bowl with yours. 

“And give me your already half eaten ramen? No, thank you.” You clicked your tongue in disappointment with a pout on your face, and as much as Tetsurou found the sight before him cute and charming, his heart was suddenly washed with a yearning desire to see the gleeful smile on your face again. So he chuckled and pushed his bowl gently across the table towards you, and helped himself with the remaining quarter of your meal. 

And then Tetsurou made a silent vow to himself, a lifelong promise to never ever let that upward twist on your lips escape your face. A silent vow – or a challenge, if he must say – to the night sky above, that the brightest star of the universe was his to protect. 

“This is why I love you, Tetsu,” you said nonchalantly, unknowing to the effect your words had on his heart. “You treat me so well.” You looked at him through your eyelashes with a beaming smile, taking another bite while thinking that he was stirring the almost empty bowl of ramen for far too long. 

You were fifteen, and Tetsurou was eighteen. “I love you too, but you’re still paying,” he said, and you rolled your eyes. 

But despite what he had said, you walked out without spending a single coin that night. You were lightly skipping all the way home, your cheeks hurting from smiling too much despite the temperature outside dropping lower than it already was. Tetsurou walked silently beside you, and you found yourself blushing when you caught him staring from the peripheral of your view. 

You were fifteen and Tetsurou was eighteen when he said his second ‘I love you’ to you. 

•❅──────✧❅✦❅✧──────❅• 

University happened to be the second most eventful phase of your life. 

It was the phase of ‘finding your identity’; you would use this whenever you had to talk your way out of an argument with your mother. 

Truthfully, for you it was a phase of estrangement and helplessness, a phase in your life where you had never been more confused about yourself, a phase where you would wake up every day feeling very impractical, a phase where you never stopped questioning your own capabilities. 

It was also a phase where you finally met someone decent enough to earn his title as your first boyfriend. 

You remembered the walk home from the ramen bar the night you broke the news to Tetsurou. It was a slow one, with your stomach on the verge of exploding and him walking ahead of you and dragging you with all his might. You remembered how you had to take a breather and sat down on a nearby bench, and how you could easily smile and laugh at absolutely anything. 

“Damn it, I didn’t sign up for taking care of a pregnant lady,” he commented and you laughed, nudging his stomach playfully as he gently sat you down on a bench somewhere on the side of the road. Tetsurou thought of himself as a lucky guy while looking at how easy it was for you to smile and laugh at anything. 

“Tetsu, I gotta tell you something.” The air around you became thick and tense, and breathing in the supposed fresh spring air was suffocating. “A guy from my department asked me out today. Y’know, um, to be his girlfriend and stuff.” 

Okay, maybe not that lucky. 

The laugh coming from his throat was a forced one, and he tried his best to not let the tension in his voice slip out. “So? When are you gonna introduce your boyfriend to me?” he asked, albeit not wanting to hear the rest of your story. 

“No, we aren’t a thing yet. I haven’t given him my answer. But I kinda wanna give this relationship thing a try, you know?” Your head was hung low and your gaze fixated on your lap, but you were smiling. You were smiling, and despite the very much vivid pain that he was feeling, your smile was all Tetsurou cared about. 

“Whatever makes you happy, kitten.” He forced a smile onto his lips as he ruffled your hair, the pain in his heart doubled upon hearing you giggle under your breath. “If he ever hurts you though, you know who to call.” 

Something in his gaze seemed off and distant, and the silence that followed was excruciatingly painful. He sat back and stuffed his hands into his pocket, the gleam in his empty gaze into the night sky reminding you of the one he gave you and your mother under the rainy sky years ago. A forced haze of happiness over the layers and layers of sadness and loneliness. 

You supposed that was when your relationship with Tetsurou started to grow apart, with Tetsurou busy with his new job at the Japan Volleyball Association, and you spending most of your afternoons and evenings with your new boyfriend. 

He was a good guy, you supposed, doing all the generic things that you had read in books or watched in movies. Walking you home from campus every day, taking you out on a date every Saturday, and dinner with your parents every Sunday. Your mother liked him, and he talked about things that you couldn’t really grasp with your father, so you supposed he enjoyed his company too. He helped you stand your ground and helped you discover so many things that you didn’t know about yourself, like how perceptive you were when it came to music and how much talent you possessed in song writing and composition. 

Although more often than not, you found yourself silently comparing him to Tetsurou. He was nowhere near as tall as Tetsurou (standing just under 180cm tall, according to your somewhat biased calculation), his aftershave smelled like mandarin and jasmine (not that there was anything wrong with it, but you liked the citrus smell of Tetsurou’s aftershave better), he didn’t like rom-com movies (Tetsurou didn’t like it either but would stay and watch it with you nonetheless). 

Although the one that struck an immense chord with you was that one night you took him out to the same ramen bar you and Tetsurou would always go to. You had tried to justify your actions by convincing yourself that the closest restaurant for a quick meal happened to be this certain ramen bar, but deep down, you simply wanted to know. You wanted to know if Tetsurou was the only one who would be willing to swap his full bowl of ramen with your almost finished one. So you set everything out just like that winter night four years ago, the only difference was that you didn’t sit at the frontmost of the shop (to you, that spot was your special spot with Tetsurou only). 

“Would you like to swap?” you casually asked him, reaching out your hand to grab a hold of his bowl. A simple action, but your heart was beating twice as fast in anticipation. 

He gently shoved your hand away. “Babe just order another bowl if you’re still hungry,” he said, his tone soft yet assertive. 

You smiled as a certain wave of relief washed throughout your body. It was odd, really, when you were meant to feel somewhat annoyed or in the least bit angry. But you supposed you wanted to keep that special spot Tetsurou had and not letting it be taken by anybody else. 

\- 

Love, in a way, reminded you of that certain feeling when you started reading a new book. 

Sometimes it would take three weeks, or even four, for you to complete a 600 paged novel. You would decipher the meaning behind every word, thinking about the many possibilities for the story to end. And other times it would take you less than one week. You would simply skim through the paragraph and your fingers would itch to flip the page, much too excited to know the continuation of the story. 

And much to your dismay, your first relationship was the latter. 

“Say, what do you think about us moving together?” he asked a day after your first anniversary together on one particular afternoon. The delicious chicken curry you were having for lunch had to be ignored momentarily as you put down your spoon and looked up to search for his eyes. You had thought he was joking, or perhaps he was talking about three or four years in the future. 

“When this semester ends, I’d really love it if we could move in together.” There was no hesitation in his voice, and his sentence no longer came out as a question. It was a very much assertive statement that made you scream internally. Really, it was a low blow, you thought to yourself as your indecisiveness got the better of you, clouding your mind that you could only smile and very slowly nod your head. 

To Tetsurou, love was nothing like experimenting with chemicals using flasks and test tubes in the laboratory and knowing exactly how white smoke was emitted when mixing hydrochloric acid with ammonia. Love, to him, was a foreign idea – an uncharted territory that was yet to be explored. Although he knew that it was everything sweet and everything bitter. 

And he got the latter. 

Because life, unfortunately, wasn’t a wish granting factory. 

It would be much of an understatement if he said his heart dropped when you told him you were moving in together with your boyfriend of just over one year. For Tetsurou, it was like going on a calm drive by the cliff when a sudden force pushed his car off it, the vehicle crashing with a loud crash and explosion. It was inarguably his first fight with you: clenched fists, tensed jaws, furrowed eyebrows, screaming, yelling, and everything ugly. 

Yet there he was, bright and early on a Saturday morning, dressed in his most comfortable hoodie and track pants while carrying big brown boxes from your living room to his car. 

“Is this the last one?” He was out of breath with his arms resting on top of his car trunk lid, and you could see the rays of sun reflected on the beads of sweat on his forehead. Tetsurou smiled at you when you gave him the ring gesture with your hand, closing his car trunk shut and waited for you with his hands deep in his pockets. 

Tetsurou under the morning sun, you thought, was a sight you would never be tired of. The cascade of light beaming through the windscreen accentuated his clear and sharp jawline and the mellow brown of his eyes glittered as they focused on the road ahead. You had missed him, you realised, and you felt a pang of regret in your heart as your eyes flickered upwards to his dark hair. Since when had it become…slightly neater? Since when had he started applying products to it? 

“I like your new hairstyle, by the way. Kinda miss the old messy one though.” 

Tetsurou chuckled, the sound forced out of his throat as he tightened his grip on the steering wheel for a mere second. Silence followed, although you could hear the constant grazing of the car tires against the asphalt underneath. You pursed your lips, fingers fumbling with the strap of your bag as the overwhelming tension in the air caused frustration bubbling from inside your heart. And then it erupted just like a volcano. In the form of anger, in the form of tears. 

“Tetsu, why are you doing this?!” Your voice was loud and high pitched, leaning your body forward with your face hidden in the palms of your hands. Tears were starting to flow down your face and you could hear the long exhale of breath from the man beside you. “Why are you here, going out of your way to help me on a Saturday morning, when you were so angry at my decision a week ago?” Sob after sob left your mouth as you felt the car slowly came to a halt. Perhaps it was because you noticed the stiffness on his masculine jawline, or because there was a plain and obvious sadness in the pool of his hazel eyes. It was because the sheer agony you had been putting him through, without knowing exactly how to free him from it. 

You felt a hand on your back as it rubbed small circles and irregular patterns into your skin, soothing you just like the slow instrumental music playing on the radio. When your tears had finally stopped trickling down and your sobs had dissipated into small whimpers, you lifted your head up to look at Tetsurou through your wet eyelashes. 

“Why are you being so nice to me?” 

He looked at you for a moment, his eyes flickered down from the whirlwind of your eyes to the dry stain of tears down your cheeks. The image of you crying as a little girl was still very much alive and vivid in his head, and he smiled when he noticed the same puffy red eyes from seventeen years ago. 

“Are you happy?” he asked you a question as a response. He repeated the same question again when silence was a face full of uncertainty was your only reply. “Are you happy? With him?” 

And you supposed you were happy, but something in Tetsurou’s eyes told you that the contentment in your heart was a rather temporary thing and would be short lived. 

“Why wouldn’t I be happy?” The back and forth question continued, but he ended it with a ruffle on your head and a genuine (as well as sad and lonely) smile on his face. 

“As long as you’re happy, kitten. I’ll be happy too.” 

You supposed you were happy, but everything felt awfully out of place. Everything, like how you felt tears brimming in the corners of your eyes when Tetsurou unloaded your last box from his car. Or how you ignored the loud call of your name from inside your new apartment and cuddled closer into his chest. How you relished the warmth of his embrace as you breathed in the familiar citrusy scent of his aftershave. 

You were twenty, and Tetsurou was twenty-three. “You know that I love you, right, Tetsu? We’ve been friends for as long as I can remember, there’s no way I can stop loving you.” Friends, you convinced yourself. Best friends. 

Tetsurou smiled as he ran his fingers through your hair despite the bitterness he felt in his heart. He replied with a small hum and ushered you in, saying a quick hello to the lucky guy (he thought bitterly) he hoped would treat you right before jumping back into his car and drove off. 

The radio was playing a sad love song as he gripped onto the steering wheel so tightly that his knuckles turned white. Tetsurou was never the type of person who would listen to many songs nor keep himself up-to-date with weekly top charts. He was never a music enthusiast, but he hated how the melody playing on the radio tugged on his heartstrings and the lyrics spoke his heart out. The road ahead was empty so he picked up his speed, his gaze turning blurry as a tear finally rolled down his cheek. 

You were twenty, and Tetsurou was twenty-three. “Yeah, I love you too,” he said softly despite the emptiness of his car. “But I don’t hate myself for that.” 

You were twenty and Tetsurou was twenty-three when he said his third ‘I love you’ to you. 

He was your best friend. 

But you were his first love. And his first heart break. 

•❅──────✧❅✦❅✧──────❅• 

Tetsurou remembered having his first sip of alcohol with his father the midnight of his twentieth birthday, only a couple of seconds after the clock struck twelve. “It’s important for men to be able to handle their alcohol,” his father once told him, and Tetsurou didn’t understand why alcohol consumption would play an important role to his masculine identity. Only when he started working in the JVA two years after that did he understand the importance of alcohol tolerance. Tetsurou would silently thank his father whenever he got invited to the almost daily (the worst one was when he went out to drink four nights in a row) drinking get-together with his seniors. 

In saying that, there were only two occasions where he let himself go overboard and drown in the burning sensation of the alcohol flowing down his throat, where he continued chugging glass after glass as his mind got drowsier and drowsier. 

The first occasion was the night you moved in with your boyfriend of just over one year into your new apartment. If Tetsurou had to describe that day in one word, tempestuous would be the most suitable. His drive back home was accompanied with a turbulent storm raging in his heart and a mix of anger, jealousy, frustration, sadness, happiness, and regret eventually exploding when he slammed his front door shut and screamed into the darkness of his apartment. He was unable to stifle a cry as his loud, boisterous scream was immediately followed by a loud wail, a noise he didn’t even know he had in him. He sobbed, and he sobbed, and he sobbed as waves of emotion took over his body, and in the hitched breath he took in between was the sound of his heart breaking. 

The clock spelled 23:09 when Tetsurou had no more tears left to cry. He propped himself up and his stomach grumbled in protest, but he decided to ignore it anyway, because what he needed the most was a distraction. So he propelled himself forward, shaky hands opening the kitchen cabinet to find an unopened bottle of whiskey he had received as a gift from his seniors for his birthday last year. 

So he settled himself onto the couch with the glass bottle in his right hand, dipping in his head back every few seconds and drinking in silence as the liquid gradually burned his insides. When his vision was starting to blur and redness was slowly forming on the apples of his cheeks, he kept on drinking, and drinking, and drinking, until the ground beneath him shook and he was unable to stand up without clasping onto something – anything – for support. 

You, he thought to himself, staggering forward to search his pocket for his phone. You, he needed you. 

But the little to none sanity he had left in him reminded him of your smile, the image vivid and crystal clear despite alcohol clouding his mind. The clock spelled 02:13, and a tear rolled down his face yet again as he slumped down to the ground. The air in the room was chilly and the coldness of the tile beneath his back stabbed him through his thick hoodie, but Tetsurou shut his eyes closed, letting himself drift off to sleep with the image of you in his head. 

As long as you’re smiling, he reminded himself using every last bit of his brain cell. 

As long as you’re happy. 

\- 

The second occasion was when he was sitting by the bar in what could possibly be the best three piece suits he had ever owned in his life. The chitter chatter of the people around him was drowned together with the shot of vodka in front of him, and once again he had ignored the protest of his stomach, his eyes watching the giddy smiles of the guests as the three course dinner was being served in front of them. 

“Are you sure you’re gonna waste this three course meal, Tetsu?” He hitched his breath, the air felt icy in his throat despite the amount of alcohol he had consumed for the night. Because who would expect the beautiful bride of the day to approach him when she was supposed to be sitting across the room, on that special seat next to her groom? 

“To what do I owe this honour?” Tetsurou asked, silently thanking you for coming over at a perfect timing because if he had chugged down one more shot, his feet wouldn’t have been able to hold his weight up. His vision was blurry and his head was dizzy, he noted while watching the sway of people surrounding him, but everything stilled when his eyes landed on you. It was like you sucked the life out of everything, because you looked absolutely ethereal, like the goddess of beauty herself. The dainty, golden hair ornaments you had on top of your head was like your halo, and the dewdrops of crystal on your long white dress were blinding to the eyes. You were simply out of this world, Tetsurou thought to himself with a smile. You were out of his league. 

“Tetsu, you-,” 

“Yeah, I know. I still need to give out my speech.” He got off his seat with perfect balance (surprisingly) and shrugged his shoulders. The suit jacket was uncomfortable on him – hot and stuffy – and he couldn’t wait to get home to take the material off him. “Don’t worry, kitten. I’ll give out the best speech tonight. You better have an award for that.” And with a wink he walked off to his table, forcing himself to munch on the supposedly delicious and very tender steak. 

Tetsurou was never a slow eater, but he was only halfway through his meal when he heard the clinking of spoons against the champagne glasses, and he soon found himself walking up the small podium with his own glass of champagne (which he silently wished was a classic shot glass of vodka instead). He didn’t need to scan the room as your presence immediately gravitated his eyes towards you, your fingers fumbling with the shiny bead of stone on your dress (a habit of yours whenever you were nervous for something), your groom’s arm resting loosely on your shoulder. You looked at him with a giddy smile on your lips and so much expectation in that twinkle in your eyes. So Tetsurou smiled back, tapped the microphone twice, and started talking. 

“Eighteen years ago I met this little girl under the pouring rain. She was so small, her cheeks were rosy and chubby, and believe me or not, she was out and about in the cold weather with only a singlet and underwear on.” He stopped momentarily to see the blush on your cheeks as the guests laughed. Flashing you his smirk when you shook your head in disbelief at him, he realised that the childhood he had shared with you was like a secret shared only between the two of you. And despite watching how your groom laughed along, his free hand resting on top of yours on your lap, Tetsurou couldn’t help but feel that he was the special one in the hall. 

“But look at her now,” he continued, nodding his head at you and you could suddenly feel people’s eyes on you. “So gorgeous, so beautiful in her wedding dress. The most beautiful bride that I have ever seen in my life.” He paused for a brief second to take in your beauty once again, how the curls of your hair fell flawlessly to your mid back, how the embroidered Swarovski crystal couldn’t compete with the radiance that your face released. You were indeed the brightest star of the universe, he thought to himself with a smile. 

“I guess my future bride will have a tough competition,” he joked and people laughed, but you didn’t. For a brief second he wondered why you didn’t laugh along, why you forced out a smile, but he pushed the ridiculous thoughts aside as he raised his glass. 

“So I’d like to propose a toast to the newlyweds. To the groom,” he raised his glass towards him. “Trust me when I tell you that you’re the luckiest person in this world. I know she can be hard to handle sometimes, but please take care of her. Oh, her midnight cravings would either be ramen or udon, and I’m sure you know which place I’m talking about.” 

“And to the bride,” Tetsurou fixated his gaze on you. “I’m glad you’ve finally settled down and found someone to spend forever with, kitten.” 

Although I wish it was me. 

“I’m wishing you a happy ever after.” I wish I could promise you one, I wish I could give you one. 

“And know that Tetsurou the nerdy neighbour next door will always be here for you.” Tears were starting to prickle in the corners of his eyes and as much as he wanted to pour his heart out, he knew he had to stop his speech there. 

You were twenty-two, and Tetsurou was twenty-five. 

“I love you, Y/N.” I’ve always had for the past eighteen years, and I always will. 

You were twenty-two and Tetsurou was twenty-five when he said his fourth ‘I love you’ to you. 

“So here’s to my best friend,” he forced the words out of his mouth, “and her groom.” 

“Let’s toast the new husband and wife.” 

•❅──────✧❅✦❅✧──────❅• 

Tetsurou was surprised at himself for not getting home drunk the night of your wedding. 

Perhaps it was secretly thanks to your husband, who approached him by the bar as he was about to order a strong shot of anything at all after his speech. “Hey man, she asked for you.” 

“I can’t dance,” he whispered as he took your hand and rested the other one on your waist. You had a sheepish smile on, and started rocking gently to the music. “It’s fine, we can just pretend dance,” you nonchalantly said, bringing an instant smile on his lips. 

“So who’s this future bride you mentioned earlier?” There was a hint of annoyance in your voice, and Tetsurou raised an eyebrow when he saw a small pout on your face. 

“Is someone jealous?” he teased you and you gritted your teeth as you pinched his shoulder lightly. Tetsurou wanted a yes as an answer, but he already knew to not get his hopes up, especially not on your wedding night. 

“No, I just wanna make sure she’s good enough for you.” The slow music continued and Tetsurou relished the warmth of your skin on his, engraving this image of you into his brain. 

“Don’t worry, kitten,” he said softly, resting his head on top of yours. “I don’t think I have the time to find myself a bride.” 

And he was right. Attending games, scouting players, business meetings and trips, the demands of the sports promotional division in the JVA had left him with little to no free time. Never had Tetsurou ever gone home with enough energy left to cook himself a proper meal or at least a hot, relaxing bath after a tiring day. Convenience store packed bento had always been his best friend, and he would always arrive home, take a quick shower, and flop to bed immediately, trying his best to get as much rest as possible before the cycle repeated itself the following day. 

And that was exactly why he tried to ignore the ceaseless pounding of his door and ringing of his doorbell until he couldn’t anymore. He stormed off his room with loud thuds, ready to yell at whoever was disturbing his sleep at two in the morning until he heard a soft voice from the other side of the door. Your soft voice. 

“Tetsu? Are you home?” 

He felt his heart clenching at the sound of your voice, how it sounded so broken and so…lifeless. Tetsurou didn’t need to know that something was definitely wrong with you, so he swung the door open, and his heart dropped at what he saw. 

“Sorry for waking you up at this hour, Tetsu.” Your body was trembling despite the hot summer air, your shoulders were slumped forward, and your hair was a mess. Tetsurou could see stain of mascara running down your face and hear the faint sniffles that you didn’t bother hiding. You looked incredibly tired, as if life had been drained out of your body, so Tetsurou held back the urge to ask these millions of questions that were running through his head and ushered you into his apartment instead, supporting you with one of his arms as he shut the door close behind him. 

He walked past you to the kitchen thinking that you would follow him suit like how you normally would, but instead you were standing still on the same spot where he had left you, your body completely unmoving and your eyes dead as they stared into the void of his living room. Tetsurou looked at you and sighed, resting an arm on his hips and running his tongue on his bottom lips simply because he was scared. Scared, clueless, and worried, he slowly fathomed his feelings as he approached you and guided you to the kitchen, sitting you down by the kitchen counter. Your body was as frozen as ice under his fingertips, but he was quick to throw one of his jackets over your shoulder. 

“Hot chocolate with flake and marshmallows coming your way, ma’am.” Tetsurou wasn’t sure about how to cheer you up or how to wipe the sadness off your face, but he reminded himself about the promise that he had made when he was eighteen. 

“Two flakes please. I want two.” When he looked back to see a small smile that wasn’t there before resting on your lips, he felt a wave of relief washing over his body, and hoping that the one extra flake he set on top of your cup would be enough to make your smile brighter. 

“What happened, Y/N?” Tetsurou asked after a while, bringing over an overfilled cup of hot chocolate with three flakes and marshmallows on top. The liquid trickled down the side of the cup and he watched as you caught it before it landed onto the saucer with a little spoon, smiling when you finally tasted the sweetness and richness of the chocolate on your tongue. 

But it wasn’t enough to sooth the bitterness in your heart, Tetsurou realised as he saw you blinking your eyes rapidly to prevent the tears from falling down your face. 

“Kitten, it’s just me. You know you can cry in front of me, right?” He reached out his hand to rub irregular patterns on the small of your back, hoping that his action would be enough for you to muster up your courage and open up to him. 

“Let it out, kitten.” 

And at that cue you broke down completely entirely, waves and waves of emotion came crumbling down on you as you clutched onto Tetsurou’s shirt for support. You sobbed into his chest, wetting the cotton material and leaving your warm cup of cocoa ignored as your voice grew louder and louder. 

He let out an audible gulp, his brows creased as he watched you desperately tugging his shirt as if he wasn’t holding you tight enough. So he did what you asked him, pulling you in even closer to his chest that there was not even an inch of space left between your bodies, rocking you slowly and whispering words of affection into your ears as your tears continued to flow down like a waterfall. 

Tetsurou could feel the open wound in your cries. Fresh and new wounds, he thought to himself, and his arms were secured around you even tighter when one possible speculation came into his mind. But he held you in silence, giving you all the time you needed until your cries gradually dissipated into strains of small whimpers. 

“He had someone else.” Tetsurou clenched his jaw at what you said and if it weren’t for you still leaning comfortably against his chest, he was sure he would’ve run out and made sure your husband (now ex) learnt his lesson. His heart beat had increased twice as fast and he was sure you could hear it pounding into your ears, but he was sure you were finding the loud thumping soothing as he felt you snuggled closer into his chest. 

“It started way before the wedding, Tetsu. And I even had a suspicion once but I ignored it.” Your fingers were playing with the hem of his shirt, and it stayed there even when you pulled away to have a sip of your hot (now warm) chocolate. “Either he’s too good at hiding stuff, or I’ve been so stupid.” 

“You’ve never been stupid,” his answer was abrupt and concise, and you looked at him through you damp eyelids. “You’ve just been trusting too much, and loving too much. That’s all.” 

The next few minutes was your moment to speak and his moment to listen, and he could only imagine the pain one would go through when they had to walk in on an affair, a foreign body on their bed as their supposed life partner screamed out another’s name. Multiply that by two, and that was how you ended up at his place with only your phone, wallet, and personal ID’s, leaving the rest of your belongings behind. 

Tetsurou sighed, resting his chin on his palm as he listened to you earnestly. The clock had gone past three, and it was unfair, he pondered with a knowing smile, how despite the black circles under your eyes, you still looked as stunning as ever. He noticed that your hair had grown slightly longer than the last time he saw you (which was last year in your wedding dress), and his free hand unconsciously reached out to brush some strands off your face. The small beads of tears falling off your curved lashes as you blinked your eyes, the slight pout on your lips as you tried to wipe off the trail of dried tears on the sides of your face; Tetsurou finally realised how much he had missed you, and he couldn’t deny that he felt a slight happiness in his heart at your ex-husband’s deed, because it brought you to him. 

“I’ve missed you a lot.” A blush decorated his cheeks as he flashed you a knowing smile, only realizing that he had murmured the sentence under his breath, but just loud enough for you to look up at him with your beady eyes. He hastily dropped his hand and cleared his throat, ready to lock himself in his bedroom out of embarrassment when you replied with your softest voice. 

“I’ve missed you too, Tetsu.” Your voice quivered and tears were pooling in your eyes yet again. “I hate how you’re always so nice to me, and I hate how you always accept me with open arms, Tetsu.” With a loud choke of your sob you looked at him, pure anger and frustration evident in your fiery eyes. “Why?” you asked, your tone sharper and higher than before. “Why are you still alone in this big apartment? Why did you let me in at 2am, made me a cup of hot chocolate, and wiped my tears away for me? Why, Tetsu?” 

Fuck it, he thought before shutting you up with his mouth, pressing his lips onto yours for a searing kiss. He felt the stiffness of your body and he was a second away from drawing himself off of you and apologise, but he felt your arms slowly making their way around his neck and your lips slowly started to kiss him back. He knew it was wrong, he knew it was so wrong, but you didn’t stop him. And perhaps he did it in the heat of the moment, but the way you deepened the kiss only set the fire within him ablaze and he groaned into your mouth while pulling you closer, securing your legs on either sides of his thighs. The moan you let out into the kiss only encouraged him to go further, and albeit wanting to give in to his desires Tetsurou forced himself to break the kiss, panting as his lungs screamed for air. He looked into your half lidded eyes and the desperation in them, and he wondered just what you had gone through over the first year of your marriage. 

“We shouldn't, kitten, not now,” he choked his words out when you leaned down closer to his lips. But his body contradicted his words when he kissed you back anyway, molding his lips with yours as you shifted closer, feeling as he grew more eager beneath you. “Shit,” he cursed underneath his breath as he let his lips explore the delicate skin of your neck, relishing the pleasure that he wasn’t supposed to be feeling. 

Everything felt so wrong yet so right all at once. The overwhelming emotion he felt when he realised that he was holding you in his arms, your bodies tangled with each other as you sang out each other’s name. The warmth that slowly and gradually enveloped him as he took in the beautiful view sitting on top of him, so close, so vulnerable in his arms. And he knew you felt the same when you threw your head back as the patter of rain against his window swallowed your angelic voice. Everything felt so wrong yet so right, because despite the endless circles the both of you had been running in, home, he realised, had always been the final destination. And home had always been in each other. 

“Can’t believe we waited almost twenty years for this,” your voice was shaky as you regained your composure, your arms still looped around his neck. “Why didn’t you tell me, Tetsu?” 

He trailed his lips up your neck, soft skin against skin before grabbing your chin with his thumb. “Because you were happy. At least, I thought you were happy. And I wouldn’t do anything to jeopardise your happiness.” 

You were twenty-three, and Tetsurou was twenty-six. “Because I love you. And your happiness is my happiness.” 

You were twenty-three and Tetsurou was twenty-six when he said his fifth ‘I love you’ to you. 

•❅──────✧❅✦❅✧──────❅• 

The clattering noises in the kitchen woke you up from your deep slumber. Squinting your eyes open, you looked at the numbers spelled on the clock on the bedside table and you jolted awake, realising that you were supposed to be up hours ago to prepare breakfast and lunch. 

“How does mama usually do it?” you heard Tetsurou’s gentle voice as you tiptoed across the room to take a peek at what was going on outside. “Does she put Mr. Panda over here or here?” 

The sight that greeted you was the most adorable scene that you had seen in a while, and a warm smile made it to your lips. 

“Mr. Panda over here,” the little girl in front of him told him as she arranged her own bento box to her liking. “And Mr. Octopus here,” she continued, and you had to hold back your giggle while watching Tetsurou creased his brows, attentively paying attention to his four-year-old as she taught him how to decorate a bento box. 

“Wait, so what about Mr. Bear? Where does he go?” Silence filled the room as they were both looking down at the small bento box, genuine confusion spelled on their faces. Like father, like daughter, you thought to yourself as you walked out of your shared bedroom. 

“Mr. Bear goes to the fruits, remember?” You walked over to your daughter who greeted you with a beaming smile, picking her up in your arms as you gave Tetsurou a peck on his lips. “Good morning,” you murmured on his lips. “Sorry for waking up late.” 

Tetsurou planted a soft kiss on your forehead. “You need your beauty sleep every now and then, baby. Besides, I’ve managed to prepare both breakfast and lunch,” he put emphasise on his last few words and you thanked him with your smile. “And this little princess here woke up early to help her papa, am I right?” Tetsurou set the bento box on the table, taking your daughter from your arm and picking her up into his own. She giggled loudly when his hair tickled her cheek, using all her might to push his head off her face with her small hands. 

You laughed as they both shared their playful fights and banters, and you breathed in the domesticity in the air as you sliced up the fruits into small pieces, plating it into a small bowl before settling the Mr. Bear food pick on top of it as a final touch. 

“Come on baby, papa still needs to get ready,” you called your daughter who was tackling Tetsurou onto the ground, and you wondered just what on earth they were playing and how they had so much energy in the morning. She very hesitantly got off Tetsurou, and you watched as he disappeared into the bathroom. 

“And you, missy, needs to get dressed as well,” you said, nudging her nose with your index finger as you guided her into her bedroom. 

Your four-year-old reminded you of yourself as a child, you thought to yourself as she made a mess out of her wardrobe, throwing clothes to the ground to pick which outfit she wanted to wear for today’s family outing to Disneyland. She wanted to look like a princess, she had told you earlier, so you went for a beautiful, flowy dress with a floral pattern and let her natural wavy hair down. 

“Where’s that flower crown mama bought you, pumpkin?” Tetsurou stood in the doorway, already fully dressed as he admired his little girl’s reflection on the mirror. You stepped aside as Tetsurou busied himself with ‘styling’ his daughter’s hair, occasionally struggling when her hair got tangled into the flower crown but finished the job with a proud and satisfied smile on his face. “Alright pumpkin, you ready to be the spoiled princess of the day?” 

And when Tetsurou said he would spoil his daughter he really meant his words, from trying to fit himself into the small seats of the kiddie rides during the day, to standing amongst the crowd of people with his daughter sitting comfortably on his shoulder to watch the parade. You looked at them and couldn’t help but smile looking at their matching headbands and Tetsurou’s glittery faces from all the torture your daughter had put him throughout the day. 

“Rough day?” you asked him when the parade started and your daughter was too immersed into the incoming Cinderella pumpkin carriage. He turned his head towards you and smiled, his hair messy as your daughter excitedly tugged on it. 

“Nah,” he replied, motioning you to come closer, and you stood on your tippy toes to peck his cheek. “Why would it be a rough day when I spent it with my two princesses?” he said and you blushed, resting your head on his shoulder while enjoying the rest of the parade. 

The walk home was a peaceful one as you walked hand in hand with Tetsurou, your daughter sound asleep on his shoulder. The comfortable silence you were very familiar with, you smiled as you turned your head to steal a glance at him. He was looking up at the sky, and you followed his gaze to see a single star, so bright that you thought your eyes were playing tricks on you. 

“That’s a very bright star there, isn’t that Venus?” you commented, and Tetsurou chuckled beside you, swinging your arms gently as he tightened his grip. “What is it?” 

He heaved out a sigh, and met your gaze. “That’s not the brightest one that I have seen in my life though.” 

You smiled sheepishly when you understood what he meant, and you supposed he was right. You supposed Tetsurou was the brightest star in your night sky, with his spellbindingly bright sparkle that never ceased to illuminate your life. You looked at him and you saw his constant incandescence, and you fell in love all over again. 

And you had lost count on how many of those I love you’s you had said to each other, but not that it mattered anyway, because it’d be impossible to keep track of the infinity, right?


End file.
